i’m proud of finding a new job, but after the adrenaline of that whole business wore off, i’m free to feel the actual pain of getting laid off and the utter insecurity of that happening in a foreign country. also, i don’t think i’ll have a place to live / store all my possessions for a day, so that’s scary. and i get no time off in between jobs, which i could look at as a good thing, but is actually really freaking me out.
LOSING MY JOB MINI STAGES OF GRIEF
1. shock and denial
“no problem, this is nothing. i’ll just get a new job. wanna go to the gym? see a movie? i heard seven pounds is supposed to be good!!*”
2. pain and guilt
“oh god, how could this happen? i am the WORST one. the worst out of everyone. this is all my fault. i’ll never be able to not mess things up. what am i going to do with my life? i used to be the best, and now i’m just the example of what not to do.”
3. anger and bargaining
“f*** it! i don’t give a s*** anymore! i’m so sick of this hagwon’s constant bulls***!! i hate this place! i wish i could just get the f*** out of here and i don’t even give a f*** about the money! i just want to be out of here!! oh god, if i can just do perfect at this new job…”
4. depression, reflection, loneliness
“i don’t want to go outside. i just want to watch the o.c. in bed and sleep and eat disgusting food that is very easy to prepare and then sleep some more. the thought of just walking to work is so tiring – there’s no way i can go to the gym. man, i’m so alone here. maybe i should have just come home. no, i’d just feel the same there.”
5. upward turn
….hopefully soon!?
6. reconstruction
7. hope
i’m aware of how utterly ridiculous these thoughts sound, but they’re actually flying through my head. do you ever KNOW you’re being irrational but you still can’t help it? i think i’ll be ok soon, but now, i just feel really tired, and a little angry all the time. you don’t have to send me any kinds of “CHEER UP! IT’S GONNA BE FINE!!” kinds of emails or messages because yeah, i know that. i just think it’s funny and a bit silly that i’m actually going through a bit of a grief cycle, actually in the exact ORDER of the emotions i would feel if my husband died or something. it was just a dumb job!!!
* as stated previously, seven pounds was NOT good
